The Seven Stages of Mac Fandom

Infancy
Stage 1 is where you’re not sure what you’re actually doing. Here is a machine that sits in front of you and does, or doesn’t, do exactly what you want. The metaphor is lost on you because you’re not looking for one. All you want is a box and screen to let you surf the Internet or type a document or do something. It’s a simple as that. The fact that you bought it as it was the shiniest one in the shop or because a friend told you to is immaterial. What you have at the end of the day is a computer.

Childhood
Stage 2 begins your emergence from the cocoon of ignorance that makes you such a n00b. You’re still just using the collection of circuit board and plastic to ‘do stuff’ but the machine begins to stand out and beg for your attention. You notice that other machines aren’t quite the same and you begin to see that you’ve found something special that separates you from the crowd. You still just have a computer but it’s begun to take over how you look at technology; what it should look like, what it should feel like and how you should interact with it.

Lover
Stage 3 charts your movement from a person with a computer to someone whose beginning to become trapped in the quagmire of Apple spin and marketing. First off you find you surfing habits now include sites such as Mac Minute and MacUser and Mac World. Your shopping habit now has an extra criterion – what will it look like next to the Mac. You’re beginning to loose touch with the outside world and what non-Mac software is available. You suddenly find that using any version of Windows sends you into a blind panic as you realise it’s totally inadequate as an operating system.

Soldier
Stage 4 enters the most dangerous phase. Not only do you now frequent as many Mac sites as you can you’ve signed up to the various forums. When someone posts a question about how to Network a PC and Mac you find yourself unable to edit out the introductory line ‘well I can’t understand why you’d want to use a PC in the first place’. You now don’t even try to use Windows in any incarnation because you simply cannot bear to use such a shoddy, virus prone and flaky OS. Paul Thurrott and John Dvorak drive you insane but you cant not read everything they output. You also rebut every ‘mistake’ they make in long and detailed emails to them and also post the reply on all of the sites you are a forum member on.

Justice
Stage 5 having realised that people who write bad things about Apple and the Mac and the iPod are just using you to get hits you start to visit less and less often. You continue to trawl the forums and Mac sites but the accusation of fanboi after every post you make has meant you’ve curbed some of your more fruitful entries. You get the chance to use Microsoft Windows XP and though you still find it confusing and disorientating a seed is planted in your mind. Your friends can no longer rile you by saving things like ‘Macs are so shit in comparison to PCs you can’t do anything with Macs, they only look nice’

Old Age
Stage 6 the seed that was planted in your mind in stage five begins to grow and as you use Windows more you find yourself not so fazed by the differences. In fact you almost find yourself saying things like ‘the metaphor behind the two OSes is almost exactly the same’ and ‘I just prefer the Mac OS is all’ You still pay more than you should for a computer though you spend much less time in the forums at Mac sites and just surf by every now and again to check there’s no special announcements you should be aware of.

Senility and Death
Stage 7 curiously this is the easiest stage and once you reach the nirvana you wonder what all the fuss was about. You now use your Mac to do things with again, returning to the glorious warmth of the cocoon that tells you that your Mac is just a bloody computer and nothing to get worked up about. The Mac sites are visited only when needed and the idea of contributing to the forums makes you shudder. It’s at this point you realise that Windows is exactly the same as the Mac OS and the reason you were scared of it was the same reason everyone is scarred of things. Ignorance. What you have at the end of the day is a computer.

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